


Now I Can't Find the Key Without You

by PrettyPeary



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Everyone needs lots of hugs and chocolate, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I just have a lot of feelings from last night's episode, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, More Hurt, Post Episode: s04e10, Spoilers, angst angst and more angst, episode 10, season 4, yes that includes me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-14 11:13:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17507531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyPeary/pseuds/PrettyPeary
Summary: Post Episode. What happens to Kara after she leaves J'onn's office.





	1. Chapter 1

“I can't be here for this.”

Kara leaves J'onn’s office as quickly as she can, nothing more than a blur to the human eye. She can’t do this, she can’t watch Alex’s face go blank as J'onn wipes her memory. Can’t watch her sister forget a huge part of what makes Kara, Kara.

She takes off from the alley near J'onn’s office with enough force to leave a new pothole in the alley, she only pauses long enough to change into her super suit. The sound barrier is broken in seconds as Kara flies. Flying nearly as fast as she can toward the upper atmosphere, hoping the wind raging past her will somehow drown out the emptiness that is carving out a space in her chest. When she finally slows down and all other sound ceases to exist, only then does Kara Zor-El break. Screaming into the heavens, tears streaming down her face and she feels herself losing control of her powers for the first time in years. But she can’t find it in herself to care. She just lets go and opens her eyes toward space, feeling the lasers streaming from her eyes and vaporizing the tears on her cheeks, her freeze breath joining in as her screams continue.

After what feels like hours Kara forces her eyes closed and hugs her arms around herself trying and regain some semblance of control. If she continues like this for much longer she’ll solar flare and that would only end one way at this height. But her new found control doesn’t stop her from feeling the emptiness that now occupies most of her chest or the pain that’s radiating from above her heart.

She suddenly wants nothing more than her couch and a bottle of Aldebaran rum. She wants to forget about the loss of her sister, doesn’t want to have to pretend to her yet. She begins lazily descending from the heavens of her perch back toward National City and the reality that she’s the one who backed her sister into this corner. If she’d just left that damn boat alone Haley wouldn’t have had any reason to go after her secret identity. And she would still have a sister.

That thought process plays on repeat as the city below sharpens into focus. It feels like gravity is heavier than normal, pushing her into the ground, bowing her shoulders as she lands on the roof of her apartment building and falls to her knees, checking her power at the last second to avoid bringing the entire building down. And on her knees Kara stays, gripping the hard tarmac of the roof, trying to not to lose control again as the tears start flowing freely.

Eventually, she takes one calming breath, then another, then another until she’s able release her grip on the roof. Glancing around she realizes at some point night has fallen meaning no one will notice her drifting down toward the perpetually open window of her apartment.

Dropping through the window she unclips her cape from her shoulders and lets it fall to the floor before walking wearily toward her bed and quietly stripping off the suit that had ended up both saving and costing Kara her sister. Dressed in an old pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt she’d stolen from Alex forever ago Kara walks straight for the alcohol cupboard in her kitchen and pulls out a full bottle of the alien rum M’gann had sold her forever ago, it’s still sealed. Kara leaves the lights off as she breaks the seal, she doesn’t need them and right now the darkness just feels right.

Taking a long pull of the yellow, slightly glowing liquid Kara has to fight the urge to just chug the bottle in one go. She is hoping the drink would help fill the void inside her. She doesn’t have a whole lot of faith in the idea, but hey it was worth a shot. The last time she’d felt this empty was right after Clark had opened her pod and she’d been dropped at the Danvers. The only thing to fill that void last time had been Alex Danvers slowly accepting her and loving her and never letting Kara feel alone again. Walking to the couch and dropping heavily onto it with both feet still on the ground, Kara can hear it groan under the sudden stress. Throwing her head back Kara took another long pull of the rum. Lowering the bottle Kara leaves her head leaned against the top of the couch and stares up at the ceiling. Her phone is vibrating incessantly on the counter and Kara can’t find it in herself to care. She has a feeling it’s Alex and just for tonight Kara needs to mourn her loss, she can’t act yet, can’t hide who she is to her sister yet. So, she lets the phone ring.

That’s where Lena finds her a half hour later after she’d been knocking for ten minutes, calling for the last hour and a half and knowing Kara is inside. Brainy had called her and had told her in his round-about way that it would be a good idea to go check on Kara. So, here she was. And she was worried because Kara never not answered the door. Using her key Kara had given her months ago Lena opens the door slowly taking in the darkened apartment and as her eyes adjust she starts to be able to make out the form of her best friend sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling hugging a bottle of some kind of alcohol to her chest.

“Kara?”

Lena turns on a lamp near the opposite end of the couch as she speaks walking slowly toward her friend. There’s none of the usual snap or pep in Kara’s reaction, it’s akin to how she was after Mon-el left. But somehow worse and Lena can’t pinpoint why, at least not yet. Kara slowly turns her head toward her without moving the rest of her body. There are no glasses on her friend’s face, which is puffy and red obviously from a lot of crying. It’s her eyes though that fill Lena’s chest with fear, worry, and sorrow all at once.

Kara’s eyes are almost always full of light and brightness and a love for the world that Lena has never seen in anyone, but right now they look lifeless. They look dull and empty, like someone came in and scooped all the sunlight out of Kara Danvers. Lena knows her friend has been through hell in her life and her chest tightens at what could possibly have happened to finally make that light go out.

“Kara.”

Lena speaks again as she moves to sit next to Kara, just short of touching her. Reaching out Lena gently extracts the bottle of what she can only assume is alcohol from Kara’s embrace. Staring at the bottle as she sets it gently on the table Lena knows she recognizes it from somewhere, but she has more pressing problems at this moment. Looking back at her friend, Kara has returned her attention to the ceiling. Lena would know the signs of disassociation anywhere and knows that it will solve absolutely nothing. Almost instinctively Lena takes Kara’s hands in her own and nearly recoils. Kara’s hands are cold. Kara’s hands are never cold, it’s what makes her such an ideal snuggler on movie nights.

The feeling of Lena’s hands in her own brings Kara back to the present, well as much as the alcohol will let her. Her mind feels sluggish and she’s still frustratingly empty. Kara’s not sure why Lena is here, but right now she’s knows she doesn’t have the will to lie to her friend like she has for the last 3 years. Kara has moved her attention from the ceiling to her and Lena’s hands clasped in her lap. How are Lena’s hands warmer than her own? She feels a gentle hand on her cheek and moves her eyes to lock with her best friend’s own emerald eyes. And she feels the tears start to fall again.

Lena doesn’t ask what’s wrong, doesn’t ask what could have possibly happened to cause such a visceral reaction from Kara because when the tears start to fall Lena has the realization that while Kara has comforted her on several occasions when her family had done awful things, Lena had never had to comfort Kara in the same way. That duty usually falls on Alex’s shoulders, though Lena has no idea why the older Danvers sister wasn’t in the apartment right now. A shuddering sob worked its way from Kara’s chest and she is slowly bent inward, until her forehead was resting on her knees and her whole body shudders with the tears and sobs ripping through it. Lena scoots closer until she and Kara’s thighs and are flush together. Leaning forward Lena wraps one hand around Kara’s closer bicep using her other hand to gently rub up and down her friend’s back. She made small (what she hopes to be) calming noises.

After a long time, Kara’s breathing begins to ease and she slowly sits up, leaning heavily into Lena as she does so. Lena accepts the change without comment just continues her calming words and places a gentle kiss on Kara’s forehead as she pulls her friend closer. Kara has made no further moves toward her but Lena still counts this as progress. _What the fuck could have done this to her?_ Lena was going to obliterate whoever had done this to her friend. Kara Danvers was a light this world desperately needed. A light that Lena desperately needed and had clung to since she and Clark Kent had barged into her office nearly three years ago.

Kissing Kara’s hairline again Lena slowly rises to her feet and moves toward the massive pile of blankets Kara keeps stacked in a messy pile near the TV. As she walks an object on the floor catches her eye in the moonlight near a window that Kara seems to always keep open no matter the weather. It looks like a blanket at first glance, but Lena knows what all of Kara’s blankets look like and she doesn’t own any dark red ones.

Lena moves toward the red blanket and picks it up. The material intimately familiar and Lena recognizes it as soon as her hand touches it. But what the hell is Kara doing with Supergirl’s cape. Still holding the cape Lena turns back toward the couch, from this angle she can only see the back of Kara’s head, but she has to know.

“Kara, why the hell do you have Supergirl’s cape on your living room floor.”

Kara finally seems to be fully present for the first time since Lena walked in as she turns around on the couch. Lena sees a spark in the dull eyes, but it’s not the light that she’s used to. It’s sadness and acceptance and Lena feels the blood leave her face. She looks at Kara with her hair down and no glasses. Looks at the bottle of odd alcohol on the table and realizes where she recognizes it from, the alien bar she and Kara and their friends used to frequent.

As soon as Kara heard Lena ask the question she’s resigned to her fate. She turns toward her friend who has looked at her with an openness few had ever done and sees only hurt and anger flashing across Lena’s face and she puts all the pieces of Kara’s deception together. All the pieces of herself she’d kept hidden from Lena for so long.

Kara tries to clear her throat, but all the screaming from earlier has taken its toll and her voice comes out as barely a croak, “Because I’m Supergirl. And I’m sorry.”

What was the point anyway, she had already lost Alex today, making it was as good a day as any to lose Lena too. It would make her as alone as she deserves to be. As alone as the universe so clearly wants her to be.

She watches as Lena tries to absorb that information, all the implications it involves. Her hands slowly clench and unclench the fabric of the Kara’s cape. Kara doesn’t say a word. There is nothing to say that could fix what she’d done and frankly she deserves whatever she gets. Supergirl had taken her sister and now the hero would take her best friend too. It was almost poetic.

Lena’s eyes squeeze shut for a moment before speaking, “You-you kept this from me. You had the audacity to ask for my help as Supergirl and pretend to be my friend as Kara.” Kara could hear the barely controlled emotion in Lena’s voice and can’t find it in herself to try and convince Lena of all the reasons Kara had used to convince herself for years to not reveal herself to the youngest Luthor. “For years. For years you pretended to be my friend. To accept me and care about me. You tried to use me to get to my mother. Tried to keep me from helping Sam. Tried to get James to break into my labs for you.”

Kara looks at her friend and utters the two words that she knows will makes no difference.

“I’m sorry.”

 “Kara Danvers, you used me.”

Lena looks her in the eye as she speaks and drops the cape back down to the moonlit floor. There was an undeniable shudder to her voice and Kara can clearly see the tears peeking out of the corners of Lena’s eyes. Breaking eye contact Lena Luthor, her closest friend besides her sister, grabs her purse from the couch and walks out the door without a second glance.

Kara sighs heavily, feeling another piece of herself cleaved away to make room for more emptiness. Doesn’t feel like there’s that much left to take at this point.

Kara grabs the bottle of rum and doesn’t put it back on the table. After Kara passes out on the couch it falls from her hand to the floor hours later.

Empty. Just like Kara.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena's pissed. Kara is still passed out on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't planned on writing anything else with this one, but it honestly hurt me to think about leaving Kara passed out completely broken, it just took me a couple days to figure out exactly how I wanted this to go down. Also sorry to anyone who cried from the first chapter, if it means anything I cried writing it.

Lena makes her way down the stairs desperately clinging to the railing on one side and the wall on the other as her heels click unsteadily with each step. She’s reeling from the discovery that Kara is Supergirl. God how could she be so stupid? How did it never occur to her? The pieces were all there and she just never put them together. Reaching the ground floor she pauses, trying to regain her composure before leaving the building. Standing still for a few minutes, her head turned toward the ground with her eyes are closed tightly against the world. She tries to get her breathing under control, tries to get her hands to stop shaking. They are shaking not from the ground-shaking realization, no they are shaking from rage. Because Lena is pissed. Pissed at being kept in the dark, pissed at clearly not being trusted for _years_.

When it becomes clear her hands aren’t going to stop shaking Lena simply shoves them deep into the pockets of her jacket before walking out of the building and into her waiting car. She pauses as she settles into the seat before telling her driver exactly where to go.

The ride to James’ apartment simply gives the feelings of anger and pain time to grow, seeming to fill her chest by the time she’s walking across the lobby. She knows it’s late, knows he might be asleep. She also doesn’t give a damn about that right now. Banging the side of her fist against James’ door Lena starts pacing in front of it as she waits for it to open.

James opens the door and looks a little confused at her appearance and even more confused as she shoves her way past him and into the apartment. “Lena, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Kara’s tonight.” He closes the door behind her and turns to where she stands behind a chair with her hands gripping the upholstery.

Lena leans forward until her elbows are now bracing her body on the back of the chair, “I was there, and made a little discovery James. I finally connected the dots between Kara and Supergirl.”

She watches him closely for a reaction and his lack of one confirms what she’d already suspected. He already knew. “So you lied to me too.” Looking toward her hands Lena shakes her head slightly. Was there anyone in her life who hadn’t been lying to her about this?

James puts his hands up in what is probably supposed to be a placating manner. “Lena let me explain-“

She cuts him off with the raise of an eyebrow. “Yes please James explain. Explain to me how my best friend has been lying to me since the day we met. Explain to me how my boyfriend has been lying to me. Explain to me why it seems everyone in our group has been lying to me specifically since I got here. Please for the love of anything holy explain to me why I am the only one to be kept in the dark, despite being asked to help Supergirl again and again. Explain to me why my best friend asked you to break into my company. Explain James. Now.” Her voice rose as she talked until she is nearly shouting.  

James deflates before her eyes as he moves to sit on the couch across from the chair she’s still using as a podium. He runs a hand over his head before looking up at her again, that motion was a sign he was nervous. She’d seen him do it before important meetings. “Lena, babe I will explain a lot of it to you. But a lot of it should come from Kara.”

Lena raises her eyebrow again and gives the barest of nods for him to continue. “Ok well I know in the beginning Kara didn’t tell you because she doesn’t tell anyone if she can help it. And when you guys got closer and it was clear you weren’t going anywhere in her life…that’s a question only Kara can answer. But I know she’d been wanting to tell you since last year. And I know it was never about you being a Luthor. That I can promise you Lena.” He looks hard into her eyes when he says that, as though he knew she’d been agonizing over that one fact.

Breaking eye contact to look at the rug on the floor between them he continues, “I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t my secret to tell. I’ve seen first-hand that Kara has almost never gotten to choose how to tell anyone her secret. Clark told me, Alex had obviously always known, and she told Winn in fit of adrenaline after she first became Supergirl. It wasn’t my place to take that away from her. With breaking into L-corp, I know she was scared, scared of the kryptonite, scared of losing you over it, scared of losing Sam. Supergirl isn’t perfect and neither is Kara Danvers. Honestly Lena, the only person who can answer the rest of it is Kara Danvers.” His head snaps up, “Wait what was Kara like when you were there.”

Lena is still livid and hurt as hell, but she can see concern blooming in James’ eyes. She hesitates for a beat before answering, “Not good, she was really out of it. Was drinking some kind of alien alcohol right from the bottle. Why? James what happened?” 

James looks at her with a mixture of sadness and pain she’d never seen on his face, “She lost someone today.” He looks back down again and tries to clear his throat, “Who is the one person in the world who knows all of Kara’s secrets? Is always there for her come hell or high water?”

Lena’s hand flies to her mouth, connecting the dots. “Alex.” Her voice is disbelieving, “She lost Alex.”

James is nodding, “In a sense yeah. There’s new management at the DEO who want to keep Supergirl on a tight leash and to make sure Kara’s identity a secret Alex’s memories had to be wiped of any trace that she knows who Supergirl is.”

Lena feels that sink in, Kara had just lost her only true confidant. No wonder she’d looked so gutted earlier. Straightening up from the chair she starts toward the door. “I need to go.” That’s her farewell to James before she’s back in his hallway heading toward the street.

Reaching the street Lena waves away her driver and starts walking. She’s still angry, still hurt, but now there’s logic working its way into her head too. She used to think the light inside of Kara was a miracle considering she’d lost both her parents at such a young age. But she’d not only lost her parents but her whole planet. All her family and friends. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that’s why Kara was so protective and clingy to those she loves.

Lena walks aimlessly through the city for hours slowly sorting through her feelings, sorting through possible reasons for Kara to have done the things she’d done and by the time Lena feels the sun begin to heat her face she knows a few things for certain.

She knows she and Kara need to sit down and talk because she has a few choice words for the Kryptonian. She knows she doesn’t want to lose Kara. And she knows that right now Kara needs her.

Looking up from the sidewalk in front of her Lena isn’t really surprised to see she’s ended up in front of Kara’s apartment. She takes a steeling breath before reentering the building and going back to Kara’s apartment.

Opening the door that Kara apparently never locked after she had run out the night before, Lena was met with a sight that breaks her heart a little bit. Kara is sprawled on the couch one hand is hanging off and below it is an empty bottle laying on its side. Lena recognizes it as the bottle that had been nearly full when she’d been here last night. Kara’s face isn’t relaxed as it is when she falls asleep during a movie night or if game night goes exceedingly late. No, right now she still has the crinkle in between her eyebrows and her lips are drawn into a thin line, as though even in a passed out stupor she can’t forget the pain of what she’s lost.

Lena retraces her steps from the night before and goes toward the pile of blankets near the tv grabbing two off the pile, expressly ignoring the cape still laying near the window. Moving back toward Kara she carefully drapes one over the passed-out woman. Picking up the empty alcohol bottle Lena set it on the coffee table and laid the other blanket in a chair across from Kara. Going to Kara’s dresser Lena pulls out the pair of sweatpants and the t-shirt that Kara always throws at her for movie night when she walks in straight from L-corp. After changing quickly Lena curls up in the chair with the blanket tucked around her to wait for Kara to come around.

Even though she tries to stay awake the all nightery she just pulled catches up to her and Lena is asleep before the sun clears the buildings outside.

 

Kara is aware of the pain, in her head and her chest. She’d been wrong to hope the bottle would actual help, once Lena had left it had only gotten worse. She knows her hangover won’t last long but that doesn’t actual help her much now. Especially once she realizes today is the day she has to start pretending she’s ok again. Rao, she’s been doing it at least a bit every day since her pod landed. She’s just never done it with Alex. The thought of having to do that causes Kara to try and clamp her eyes shut more than they already are. She waits for the tears but none come, she must be out of them.

 Bringing her legs up to her chest, Kara tries to curl into the smallest ball she can. The motion pulls at the blanket covering her and she frowns slightly, how is there a blanket on her? The first couple tries to open her eyes end in Kara cursing Earth’s sun for the first time since she’s arrived. Eventually though she manages to squint her eyes open and through her eyelashes Kara thinks she must still be dreaming, because there’s no way Lena Luthor is actually curled up sleeping in her living room.

Why is she here? If she wants to yell to scream Kara won’t stop her, she definitely deserves it. Still deserves to be completely alone. Even though she knows she deserves it, at this moment Kara isn’t sure she has the strength to sit up much less try and explain herself to Lena.

She’d already lost Krypton and her family there twice. She’d just have to figure out how to survive the loss of her family a third time. This time she’d just be alone to do it.

Almost as though she can sense Kara’s thoughts Lena shifts in the chair slowly blinking in the sunlight shining through the windows. Kara watches her slowly sit up, the blanket falling off her shoulders as she does so and Kara sees the t-shirt she always lends Lena for movie nights. Her hair is in a messy bun that has somehow stayed in despite sleeping in the chair. Lena looks toward her and stiffens slightly.

“Hi.” Lena’s voice sounds soft even to her Kryptonian ears. Almost like she’s afraid speaking will spook her.

Kara still hasn’t moved from where she lay in the fetal position with the blanket wrapped tightly around her and her arms are clutched to her chest. “Hi.” Her voice is still as broken as the rest of her feels and if Lena can understand that simple word Kara would be shocked.

Standing slowly Lena rounds to coffee table and sits on the edge of it in front of Kara’s face. Leaning forward until her elbows rest against her knees the way Lena looks at her lets Kara know she’s being read like a book. Kara knows she’s not amazing at hiding her expressions on the best of days. And this definitely isn’t one of those. Whatever she sees on Kara’s face makes Lena’s expression soften even more, her eyes locking onto Kara’s before speaking in that same tone she’d used before, “Listen carefully to me Kara. I am still very pissed at you and we are going to be having a very long talk about all of that.”

Kara can’t look into those eyes anymore dropping her gaze to the edge of the couch. “But-”

That one word snaps her eyes back up to Lena’s, “-we are not having that talk right now. Right now, we are going to get you through today. And tomorrow. And the next day. And we are going to get Alex back. We got Sam back and we _will_ get your sister back too. You are not going to lose me Kara. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Lena reaches out and frames the side of her face with one hand. Kara had been looking at her friend with a mix and wonder and the briefest feeling of hope. Hope that maybe she could get through this, maybe just maybe she could get Alex back.

The moment Lena’s hand cups her face Kara realizes she was wrong, she does apparently still have tears to cry because her eyes start leaking and a new round of sobs begin racking her body. But Lena is there and she pulls Kara into a hug.  All Kara can do is whisper between sobs, “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

Kara still feels empty, the hole left by her sister is still massive within her chest. But with Lena there, Kara knows she’s not alone. Lena’s only response to her whispers is to tighten the hug.

And she doesn’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this helps elevate some of the angst from the first chapter. This one is actually done now I promise. I have no idea how the show is going to handle the reveal, but I wouldn't be super surprised if it was something akin to this.
> 
> Come pay me a visit on tumblr same name same game as always

**Author's Note:**

> This kind of got away from me, but I really needed to let my feelings about last night's ep out because it made me cry like a little bitch. 
> 
> The title is from Clean Bandit's 'Symphony'
> 
> Let me know what y'all thought with comments or kudos either will surely lighten funk of a mood I was in whilst writing this
> 
> Come bother me on tumblr! its the same name that's at the top of this page


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